Ever since I was kid and had any awareness of it, I always thought the inner life of thoughts, feelings, emotions, fears, desires, dialogues, memories and whatever else makes up our internal selves was rather odd. What was it all about? I wondered if my dog had the same inner activity. In a way, I liked to think that he did. Back then, it basically came down to feeling good or feeling bad. When feeling bad, I couldn't wait to get back to feeling good. Which, more often than not, was getting off the naughty list anyway way I could. But later on, I realized this inner thing was a great place to hide the stuff I didn't want anyone to ever know about. If I lied and didn't get caught at it, only I would know the truth. I was likely a little sociopathic but not so much as to dismiss guilt, shame and culpability. I planned to deal with any eternal consequences later on.
Beyond concealing the unacceptable, there was an increased wonder as to my inner attraction to nature. For me there was nothing better. Then later on, there were plenty of other things to wonder about. There was a world to explore or a cosmos if you have a really good imagination or a big ass telescope. In contrast to this ultimate outer reality, I heard that our inner space was as vast as outer space.
Perhaps it was only meant to be a statement on our neglect of inner selves, but I was inclined to believe that it was true in some ways. At my worst and at my best, I
realized that there was still more there. As uncomfortable as that was and how I
usually returned to a more familiar orientation as soon as possible, I knew I
had more exploring to do.
So, it was even more a wonder why so much of my inner life was limited to my usual and very familiar place from where most actions in and reactions to the outer world occurred. This could easily be an inner center but I was surprised by all that it dealt with or brought to the fore. Like those embarrassing moments that were stuck in our crawls ...as it where. We apparently don't remember things as they really happened. Which might mean that we're the only one consumed by a particular ignorant behavior or faux pas. The question then is why out of so many embarrassing moments, regrettable interactions and awkward situations, it was those distinct few that continue to repeat and repeat with the rush of shame. But that was only a small part of the inner construct that can with computer precision process a lot of complicated material.
It's a little strange to write about something that you need in order to write or do most everything else. Even more interesting to me are the constant dialogues and soliloquies that can fluctuate from thoughtful introspection to deranged entertainment. Typically, we run mental pro and con lists, revisit arguments in search of better comebacks, entertain fantasies, cheerlead a faltering enthusiasm, and are endlessly gleeful over accomplishments big or small. Sometimes, it gets pretty busy in there. Sometimes, we're overwhelmed with worry and fear, sometimes with sensation and desire.
At times, I've felt trapped in a juggernaut that was out of control. At other times, I've felt a deep inner peace that came from a most re-assuring connection to a spiritual universe. Most of the time however, I'm feeling the push and pull of living in world that considers the lives of the rich and famous to be more important than the various forms of disposable humanity which mostly consist of women and children.
So many times I've heard that something was taken out of context. But more often than not, those contexts were rather limited. Perhaps life is supposed to be an ever-expanding context and that's why we are only willing to take it so far. The full context is quite uncomfortable and forbids us to live in our little worlds were we are content with a fabricated cover that explains how everything goes together. It is only in the fullest context of hate, starvation, war, inhumanity, greed, and, and murder as well as love, kindness, generosity, peace, compassion, and caring that questions can even begin to be fully answered. And where human worth can start be measured by smiles of recognition, hugs of acceptance and handshakes of sincerity instead of by position, wealth, education, looks, skin color, talents, religion, or the number of friends on Facebook.
If we never say anything, our worst and our best can be well hidden. But how much of that lies behind the ills of the world. How much does racism, superiority, power, position, greed and privilege play in the inability to address the worlds ills? But how many times have good intentions failed, been abused or had other agendas? How many have given up on making any difference citing too many complications, too much opposition, or too many disappointments? How many have adopted a winners and losers philosophy believing that's just the way things are? ....Or perhaps, the more we understand about our inner world the more we will the outer one. And that just might make a difference.
It's a little strange to write about something that you need in order to write or do most everything else. Even more interesting to me are the constant dialogues and soliloquies that can fluctuate from thoughtful introspection to deranged entertainment. Typically, we run mental pro and con lists, revisit arguments in search of better comebacks, entertain fantasies, cheerlead a faltering enthusiasm, and are endlessly gleeful over accomplishments big or small. Sometimes, it gets pretty busy in there. Sometimes, we're overwhelmed with worry and fear, sometimes with sensation and desire.
At times, I've felt trapped in a juggernaut that was out of control. At other times, I've felt a deep inner peace that came from a most re-assuring connection to a spiritual universe. Most of the time however, I'm feeling the push and pull of living in world that considers the lives of the rich and famous to be more important than the various forms of disposable humanity which mostly consist of women and children.
So many times I've heard that something was taken out of context. But more often than not, those contexts were rather limited. Perhaps life is supposed to be an ever-expanding context and that's why we are only willing to take it so far. The full context is quite uncomfortable and forbids us to live in our little worlds were we are content with a fabricated cover that explains how everything goes together. It is only in the fullest context of hate, starvation, war, inhumanity, greed, and, and murder as well as love, kindness, generosity, peace, compassion, and caring that questions can even begin to be fully answered. And where human worth can start be measured by smiles of recognition, hugs of acceptance and handshakes of sincerity instead of by position, wealth, education, looks, skin color, talents, religion, or the number of friends on Facebook.
If we never say anything, our worst and our best can be well hidden. But how much of that lies behind the ills of the world. How much does racism, superiority, power, position, greed and privilege play in the inability to address the worlds ills? But how many times have good intentions failed, been abused or had other agendas? How many have given up on making any difference citing too many complications, too much opposition, or too many disappointments? How many have adopted a winners and losers philosophy believing that's just the way things are? ....Or perhaps, the more we understand about our inner world the more we will the outer one. And that just might make a difference.
No comments:
Post a Comment