It might be that I'm the Maxwell Smart of the spiritual life. So many times I came really close to true enlightenment then for one reason or the other I changed direction. Sometimes it was in a small way but most of the time, it was a big enough change to make me very uncomfortable. But since being uncomfortable in my spiritual journey wasn't anything new, I didn't question the continued trek as much as I should have.
If you never get to where you are going, you end up discovering many other things about the spiritual life. They are not necessarily great insights or experiences but rather just stuff or "copy" as Nora Ephron would say. Some places along the way had at first that "I finally arrived" feeling, you know that sense that this is "my heart's true home." I never doubted that I wouldn't fit in like at the other places I had considered the place I was meant to be. For sure this was it, I did not have to think about the possibility of there being some other place. I looked forward to fitting into the community and growing in the shared faith.
I have to admit that sometimes I was almost giddy with being in the right place spiritually. At other times, I was obsessed. Everything came after or inline with this place of contentment, comfort, and consciousness. There was nothing else to worry about because everything was covered one-way or the other. My previous faults and failures didn't matter because this time it was going to be different.
Time is a funny thing. And given enough time, I think I could find fault with sitting in the chair at the Right Hand of The Father, when Jesus wasn't using it of course. Any of the good that did come and was hoped to yet come always ended up not being enough, not being exactly right for me. Since others, who were a lot like me, were quite obviously where they belonged, I had to wonder if I wasn't really following to path of self-destruction more than anything else. Or perhaps, I was longing for something that didn't exist in the first place.
Regardless of what was really going on, I came to know I would end up back on the road quite awhile before I actually was. I would look for something that made a difference so I could stay but nothing ever did. Later on, it didn't take that much time at all to see that I once again didn't fit in. Even when I tried to make a place for myself and others who typically didn't fit in elsewhere. That might have been the thing that got me to question the whole premise. I mean when you can't fit into something that is custom made then the problem more than likely is you.
It took awhile to figure out all the ways the problem was me but also to see what wasn't. Needless to say, I'm still on the road. But my steps are slower and more meaningful. If I come upon a place to rest, I know it's for overnight at best. I sometimes wonder if I could have done better or if knowing better, I could have actually stayed on someplace without a whole lot of difficulty.
I can't help but miss many of the things that were quite meaningful to me. Some places were very hard to leave, especially the one that was as close to my hearts true home as I will get. I was genuinely happy there. But with time, my longing has changed and I'm not so much in need of what enlightenment might bring. I'll certainly take it if I run onto it, but I don't think will. I'm not going in that direction at the moment. ....But I do have a long way to go yet.
If you never get to where you are going, you end up discovering many other things about the spiritual life. They are not necessarily great insights or experiences but rather just stuff or "copy" as Nora Ephron would say. Some places along the way had at first that "I finally arrived" feeling, you know that sense that this is "my heart's true home." I never doubted that I wouldn't fit in like at the other places I had considered the place I was meant to be. For sure this was it, I did not have to think about the possibility of there being some other place. I looked forward to fitting into the community and growing in the shared faith.
I have to admit that sometimes I was almost giddy with being in the right place spiritually. At other times, I was obsessed. Everything came after or inline with this place of contentment, comfort, and consciousness. There was nothing else to worry about because everything was covered one-way or the other. My previous faults and failures didn't matter because this time it was going to be different.
Time is a funny thing. And given enough time, I think I could find fault with sitting in the chair at the Right Hand of The Father, when Jesus wasn't using it of course. Any of the good that did come and was hoped to yet come always ended up not being enough, not being exactly right for me. Since others, who were a lot like me, were quite obviously where they belonged, I had to wonder if I wasn't really following to path of self-destruction more than anything else. Or perhaps, I was longing for something that didn't exist in the first place.
Regardless of what was really going on, I came to know I would end up back on the road quite awhile before I actually was. I would look for something that made a difference so I could stay but nothing ever did. Later on, it didn't take that much time at all to see that I once again didn't fit in. Even when I tried to make a place for myself and others who typically didn't fit in elsewhere. That might have been the thing that got me to question the whole premise. I mean when you can't fit into something that is custom made then the problem more than likely is you.
It took awhile to figure out all the ways the problem was me but also to see what wasn't. Needless to say, I'm still on the road. But my steps are slower and more meaningful. If I come upon a place to rest, I know it's for overnight at best. I sometimes wonder if I could have done better or if knowing better, I could have actually stayed on someplace without a whole lot of difficulty.
I can't help but miss many of the things that were quite meaningful to me. Some places were very hard to leave, especially the one that was as close to my hearts true home as I will get. I was genuinely happy there. But with time, my longing has changed and I'm not so much in need of what enlightenment might bring. I'll certainly take it if I run onto it, but I don't think will. I'm not going in that direction at the moment. ....But I do have a long way to go yet.
