It's not that I didn't want to be a part of the mainstream; it's just that I never fit in. Part of that was not knowing what needed to be done. (Knowing the requirements for playing the game would have been helpful.) Part was not taking advantage of situations and opportunities. (Make sure they know your name and that you are one of them. Be recognized for being and doing the right thing.) Another part was the disconnect between what was said to be true and what actually was true. (Maintain the popular beliefs regardless of what your experience is or your conscious tells you.) A too late to do anything about it part was trying to be and do something that was contrary to who I was. (The true self is only revealed with devastating honesty.) But mainly, I didn't think there were any other options.
Basically, I believed that if you didn't fit in somewhere you were a loser. You had to be a player in some part of the mainstream and God knows there was plenty to chose from. Also, those who didn't fit in were losers. You know - street people, criminals, drug users, minimum wage workers, deserters, prostitutes, drunks and anyone who cleans up after others. Little did I know at the time, but some of the loser designations weren't as bad as I first thought or were told. A lot of mainstream notoriety came from those low lives.
It took a while to figure out that there was a capitol M Mainstream. Being a part of that was a whole new deal, but I had to recognize that it had its place. Even if the game playing at that level was rather ridiculous, I still wanted to a guest on Oprah someday. But sometimes, after all the effort and failure, you find yourself and where you fit best.
First of all, I was never going to be as serious or as committed as was expected. My Bad, as the young folks say. But after seeing the real thing, other forms were shallow likenesses. Secondly, there was a rule for everything, spoken and unspoken. Again, many of these were necessary as everyone had his or her own idea about self-governance. But in the end, they were seen as the only consideration, met to be broken or what was to be gotten around. Thirdly, I realized that I was really good at just doing enough. What I saw as a real investment on my part was half-assed at best. I always thought I could do it my way only to find out that somethings are only going to work one way for all the reasons that I didn't understand.
Fortunately, there's been some parallel movement in my life that was there when I needed it. And now, I can't imagine being any place else. I can live without a group identity or label. I can live without a rulebook. I can live without comparing myself to others. I can live with not having to prove how right I am. I can live with how I see my own limitations instead of how others do. I can live with my own depravity without denial or exploitation. I can live without measures of success or emblems of superiority. There are few props in the margins. Perhaps that's why the Mainstream can't see that far. ...Of course, that's what any loser might say.
