MISSED IT BY THAT MUCH!

It might be that I'm the Maxwell Smart of the spiritual life. So many times I came really close to true enlightenment then for one reason or the other I changed direction. Sometimes it was in a small way but most of the time, it was a big enough change to make me very uncomfortable. But since being uncomfortable in my spiritual journey wasn't anything new, I didn't question the continued trek as much as I should have.

If you never get to where you are going, you end up discovering many other things about the spiritual life. They are not necessarily great insights or experiences but rather just stuff or "copy" as Nora Ephron would say. Some places along the way had at first that "I finally arrived" feeling, you know that sense that this is "my heart's true home." I never doubted that I wouldn't fit in like at the other places I had considered the place I was meant to be. For sure this was it, I did not have to think about the possibility of there being some other place. I looked forward to fitting into the community and growing in the shared faith.

I have to admit that sometimes I was almost giddy with being in the right place spiritually. At other times, I was obsessed. Everything came after or inline with this place of contentment, comfort, and consciousness. There was nothing else to worry about because everything was covered one-way or the other. My previous faults and failures didn't matter because this time it was going to be different.

Time is a funny thing. And given enough time, I think I could find fault with sitting in the chair at the Right Hand of The Father, when Jesus wasn't using it of course. Any of the good that did come and was hoped to yet come always ended up not being enough, not being exactly right for me. Since others, who were a lot like me, were quite obviously where they belonged, I had to wonder if I wasn't really following to path of self-destruction more than anything else. Or perhaps, I was longing for something that didn't exist in the first place.

Regardless of what was really going on, I came to know I would end up back on the road quite awhile before I actually was. I would look for something that made a difference so I could stay but nothing ever did. Later on, it didn't take that much time at all to see that I once again didn't fit in. Even when I tried to make a place for myself and others who typically didn't fit in elsewhere. That might have been the thing that got me to question the whole premise. I mean when you can't fit into something that is custom made then the problem more than likely is you.

It took awhile to figure out all the ways the problem was me but also to see what wasn't. Needless to say, I'm still on the road. But my steps are slower and more meaningful. If I come upon a place to rest, I know it's for overnight at best. I sometimes wonder if I could have done better or if knowing better, I could have actually stayed on someplace without a whole lot of difficulty.

I can't help but miss many of the things that were quite meaningful to me. Some places were very hard to leave, especially the one that was as close to my hearts true home as I will get. I was genuinely happy there. But with time, my longing has changed and I'm not so much in need of what enlightenment might bring. I'll certainly take it if I run onto it, but I don't think will. I'm not going in that direction at the moment. ....But I do have a long way to go yet. 

DEQUESTRATION

Okay, you can't be on a spiritual quest full-time, but it's nice if you can be at least somewhat forward leaning no matter what else is going on. However, there are exceptions, or should I say - necessary exceptions. And this is one of those times. Given the insanity of US presidential elections, I would say that it's way too early to say anything. But it seems as they all have said enough to hang themselves in one way or the other with one group or the other. All of that could be chalked up to the usual political dysfunction, but one thing is way off the charts. 

Are people so desperate or so abused that they are actually considering an egomaniac? Perhaps it makes sense that only someone like Donald Trump can change the way Washington does the people's business. Or maybe instead of "Make America Great Again," they see "Make White America Great Again." I suspect it's a lot of things that have accumulated over many years of inaction and not caring because no one had the fortitude to pay the political cost of doing something that was fair, honest and above all ...right.

Whatever is fueling the Triumphalism on the Right, seems similar to the emerging Egalitarianism on the Left where promises of making life better are seen as always said and never done. But somehow a liberal from Vermont has made many believe that this time it will be different. I'm not sure if Bernie Sanders is saying anything that much different than he has always said. It may be more that people in their search for someone who really believes in what they are saying have come to the point of actually listening. I would be a fool to make any predictions or say that something is changing in American politics. ...But it is curious and has the potential for change, even if it is just one politician at a time.

BALANCING HEAVEN AND EARTH

Many no doubt know the old saying, "He's so heavenly minded that he's no earthly good," and the opposite saying, "She's so earthly minded that she's no heavenly good." (no implications are meant by the pronoun use) I always assumed there must be a balance that was the most encompassing and was expressed by walking between heaven and earth. Even though I could never achieve that, I never thought it was impossible. But I am coming to realize that other factors are involved. And not just the other similar sayings like, "It's a little bit of heaven on earth," that usually refer to someplace where people are particularly moral and nice, or at least do their best to appear so. There's also the rather dramatic statement in which someone "would move heaven and earth" to get or accomplish something. In other words, they would do whatever it takes or would do the impossible if it were possible. Either way, it seems like a daunting task. 

I honestly don't understand the various expressions about heaven and earth trading places, being turned upside down, or I don't have to go to the heaven because I can see it in your eyes. (that last one was a bit of a stretch) I would think that there had to be extraordinary conditions for such a thing to occur. But if it's that everything is mixed up, good and bad are the same thing, and life and death occurs in all the wrong places for all the wrong reasons then I can see it being applied to war.

There are so many ways to understand heaven and earth. Literally, figuratively, spiritually, scientifically, and theologically are just a few. But when talking about heaven and earth, we usually assume the other person knows the way we're using them. I'm interested in the differences and details but even more as general concepts and realities. To me, earth is the physical creation, the cosmos and heaven is the spiritual creation and also the cosmos. They are two different orientations or realities that directly   make up our understanding and doing of life. The immaterial and material, the metaphysical and the physical, the tangible and intangible, the corporeal and the ethereal, the natural and the supernatural are all expressions of the difference between what can be touched with our hands and minds, and what can be touched with our hearts and minds. But further, I believe heaven and earth both reside within us to the point of making us walking paradoxes.

I am drawn to both and see part of heaven in earth and part of earth in heaven. But that doesn't help as much as you would think in finding a balance between the two if indeed that's the best place for me ...or anyone to be. I don't want my surgeon trying to find his balance until I wake up in the recovery room. When stopped for speeding by a cop and are about to get a ticket, do you ever ask, "Don't you think we ought to pray about this first?"

Likewise, there is a lot of beauty to be seen with your eyes, but there's also the beauty that you can only seen with your spirit. There's a lot of good that can be seen with the eyes, but then there's the good that can't be seen. Often times, you can sense it but at other times it may seem to be more than real. Some see a sense of power and eternality in the unseen.

Because we are so physical in the day to day routine, I think we too often forget to use our spiritual aspect more. I'm not sure the spiritual needs a similar care and feeding as some suggest. But there is something to taking time to focus on who you are as a spiritual person. We may never find the right balance but we will always need both. For me, they help me better see where there is good, where there is grace, and where there is gratitude in my own life.

Some see marked distinction between our spiritual desires (heaven) and our physical appetites (earth).  This has been a part of religious understanding for a long time and perhaps for good reasons. But you don't even have to go there. We don't live in some kind of utopia. There are many demands that have to be meant. Most spend a majority of their waking hours doing something physical or earthy. Let's face it, there are too many who are just trying to survive. I'm not saying that makes them less spiritual; I'm saying they are likely rather busy.

To some others, a balance of heaven and earth looks like a Thomas Kinkade painting. I think the painter of light makes you feel like all the things you don't like are gone leaving only what you do. Idealistic to be sure but immensely popular in it's sentimentality. But I can't disagree with the wishing or the longing.

Finding a sense of balance is certainly a part of feeling complete. But it comes in all sorts of colors, sizes, configurations and circumstances. Claims to superior physicality and superior spirituality fall very short, just as making any judgments based on appearance, success, position, education or talents do as well. How remarkable it is that God has reserved the right to be the only one who can read the scale of our lives.

CREDIT: MELANIE BEATTY, THOMAS KINKADE, CHUCK PALAHNUIK, LE LY HAYSLIP

THAT'S NOT THE ANSWER I WANTED!

I have no doubt that what I believe about the unseen, supernatural and metaphysical aspects of humanity is not the truth. I'm not clever enough, devoted enough, called enough, educated enough, intuitive enough, elected enough, experienced enough, traveled enough, ministered enough, inspired enough, pure enough, or nice enough. I'm just not enough of anything that would give me some lock on the truth. I am still heartened by the possibility of putting something together that makes some kind of sense. Somewhat surprisingly, what I have so far fits rather well. It looks a lot like the unseen me, and conveniently changes with new circumstances and realities. I'm always at the place I'm supposed to be. 

The central figure in my unseen world is Jesus Christ. The fact that it's not some other religious figure lies in the formidable and mysterious challenges that he presents. He comes with a breath and depth of the divine that can not be dismissed. Volumes have been written about him so there's no need to have another take on him. I can accept one of the already boxed understandings or pick and chose from all that I would want Jesus to be. Both have their limitations but they seem to work okay for many. There have been several differences that some believed to be deal breakers but ultimately, Jesus gets to be Jesus. And that's a huge reality. So, there may yet be a lot more substance to know and experience of his truth. 

On my happy days, I think the world is going to get better. On days that I have to deal with people, I can quickly form some doubts. On days that I am confronted with my worse self, it's easy to believe that nothing will change. So, everything would be better if I could make the world go away. (Thank You Eddie) I could live in my own little world. Something I've been accused of doing anyway. If fact, I would say that's it's somewhat spiritual to get back to only the basics, perhaps something along the line of a monastic tradition. The contemplative life always fascinated me, but then I heard that it was for those who couldn't otherwise make it in their faith. ...Maybe that was just a joke. I still would take some kind of head in the sand approach if I could. 

So, I have to think of the silence that sometimes surrounds the unseen me. More of that would probably be good. And it fits my current understanding of what else is possible. But I'm too curious and too restless to be that disciplined. Hence, I have to convince myself that what I do now has its own place and benefits. As good as this is, I'm not expecting to have too many followers, not at this point at least. My quality of solitude is somewhat diminished by the amount of time I spend on the computer. But if I use it with iTunes off, I could count it as meditation. ...Yet, I know I could do better if I tried.

Therefore, I have to further ask that popular question, What Would Jesus Do? ...Or WWJD? I assume here that which isn't already known and believed. Mainly, I think the question has to do with specific contemporary problems that aren't already addressed. I would like to think that I would be surprised by the answers. And then with knowing those, I could better put together a fuller understanding. I've heard many reports of what Jesus supposedly did or didn't do. Helping to win NFL games stands out for some who point to the obvious of dying children and other human ills that need attention. But such is the paradox of faith, and a much longer discussion.

So perhaps, the better question is "How would Jesus interact with the world as it now is?" Our best guesses often conflict with other best guesses. As conflicted as those who have had direct revelation. Predictably, the guesses and revelations fit themselves better than they do anyone else. In an imperfect world, gray answers are sometimes needed more than the black and white ones. 

I still would like to think that Jesus would do the same as I would do. But even more, it would be really great if he voted like I would vote and if he loved everything about auto racing like love it. Hey, it's still my own little world. But if I want to do something outside of it, I might have to deal with the world the way it really is and take responsibility for my choices, my actions and my faith. Sure, it would be a lot easier if I knew exactly what Jesus would do, exactly what he is now doing and exactly how he is doing it. ...But until then, WWJD? is still a good question unless you are only looking for the answers you want.

UNCOMFORTABLE OPENNESS

If you have most, or even all, the answers, you won't be interested in what I have to say. But if your understanding and experience isn't so doctrinaire, and your spiritual concerns allow for doubt, pain, questioning and limitations then I only offer that you might be more normal that you realize. Being imperfect and incomplete helps you see and accept things the way they are and then there is still more. But I don't think you have to see and accept everything. The all things considered approach, except for NPR, is indeed a considerable undertaking. I guess that's why it gives me brain freeze.

For much of my life, I was putting together "Chuck's Pretty Good, Down Home, Systematic Theology" and a "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Spiritual Disorders." It had the usual cuts and additions that at some point were to make a complete whole. To my surprise and God's laughter, that didn't work out as well as I hoped. I thought it had some really good stuff, but it wasn't anything I really identified with. 

At many point, my spiritual journey included a variety of ecclesiastical experiences. I strove to be as a stable part of whatever church communion I was in at the time. I thought that I was moving closer to "The Truth." I thought I was doing something that God wanted done. At best, I now I see that I was only an Interloper For Jesus (IFJ). I never had the spiritual ability, mentality or temperament to be a part of the academic, communal, and structured church. But instead of all the experiences getting me nowhere fast; they were realities that I could not deny. It took awhile longer to find what did, but the reward was my own personal happiness. 

I need to say that my experience says nothing about anyone else's journey. And most assuredly, it's the same other way around. The only truth I have is what is needed for myself. But it is open to added understanding and experience. Where I am now is no doubt temporal. But I don't anticipate any major changes. More likely, it will be little changes or evolutions that someday will make their own distinction and I'll then yet be at a different place. As uncomfortable as that is, I wouldn't want it to be any other way. If you are happy and content where you are then that's your place to be but not necessarily where someone else needs to be. If you still feel unsettled, you likely have further to go before you are home. But still, there is always the possibility of more.

Most of the time mystical refers to the rare, the ethereal, the intuitive, the unseen, and the hidden or to confused and vague ideas. I relate mainly to the confused and vague. Others are more adamant about what mysticism is; writing whole volumes about how to do it right which seems contrary to the concept in the first place. To me, its over-definition is more of the mainstream trying to suck in everything they can and if they can't, make some absolute judgment about it. Can you say control issues?

I think many believe there is more to spiritual reality than what is covered by their faith community. The fairly well known militant atheist Richard Harris believes that divergent faiths can't get along because they believe each other is wrong at crucial points. For some that is probably true, but there are those adherents who can see that those differences shouldn't interfere with cooperation in achieving a greater good. It is better for his argument if people stay close-minded, exclusive and completely comfortable in their spiritual lives.

Since many mystics often describe mysticism by their own experience more than any replication of an ancient or contemporary spiritual teacher, there should be some allowance for a variety of understandings. I think of my understanding as being more practical than anything else. But that term has already been overused. So I'm going to call it the little piece of the wholly other that I sense as being right there but with a strong sense of even more laying beyond that. It's not the thing that I can touch by just reaching out my hand toward the sky because it's more known by going further into my soul.

But no matter of teachings, traditions and transcendental experiences, there is an arrogance in seeing what is believed as temporal, as being capable of taking you only so far. But there is also some humility in admitting how much further there is to go and how much longer that might take. Most mystics whether through a marked event or just coming to the next place on their spiritual journey or religious belief or spiritual understanding have in common a knowing of God, the Divine, the Wholly Other that doesn't need anything else in order to believe. One might almost say the less the better, as there is no need to explain the Cosmos or God on an ultimate level, as if they are fully explainable to begin with. Mystery, paradox and unknowable truths become the norm.

For me, I don't plan to push ahead. But eventually, I can see that it might look all too familiarly organized with meetings to go to that have attempts at chapter and verse systematizations, which would no doubt be much better than my originals. I admit to both my contempt for and love for formality. Too often it can be abused and too often it is the very thing that needs to be done. I would be concerned, but I don't have any reason to do anything about it, especially when I see others who do it so much better. The varieties of experiences, paths, and journeys have more merit than a singular assumption that anyone is just coincidentally part of the truth by birth. There is plenty that can be drawn from any kind of spiritual knowing - like love, kindness, charity, inspiration, compassion, beauty, wisdom, courage, and faith. These are more than enough. But I will stay uncomfortably open to what else might be there.

SPECIAL MYSTICAL MOMENTS

If I would put all the special mystical moments in my life together, as dissimilar as they are, they would form an odd but interesting collage of poignant remembrances. I would relive them if I could, but that is quite impossible. The best I have been able to do is revisit some of the places where they occurred. For a few, I could sense something of what I had first experienced lingering on. But for many other moments, too much had changed. A part of that was most certainly me. But I still could go into my spirit and know the fullness of their importance and impact. If available, pictures help maintain the context and the connection to the inner snapshots of something more. But nothing compares to the initial feeling of the goodness, grace and gratitude that I first found, if only for a moment.

One of my more recent moments happened here on the little patch of prairie that I call home. I was finishing up some mowing late in the day the sun was soon to set. It caught my eye in a special way and I had to stop in order to enjoy the light, the colors, the warm breeze, and the appreciation of how fortunate I was. I knew this was like other moments that took me out of the ordinary and into the wonder but this time it was even more so. The subjectivity of such a moment was rather obvious. In many ways, it could have been an ordinary experience. But despite all that wanted it to be otherwise understood, my soul stirred and took into its deepest place a soothing and healing light of grace. I had nothing to say but "This is just incredible. ...Thank You."

One of my earliest moments came in such a powerful and amazing way that most don't believe me. So perhaps one from a little later is a better example. I lived on the backside of a lake on a farm that my dad's family used to live on, so the old pictures of it were always fascinating. We only had one neighbor nearby. Sometimes I could walk on the dirt roads that connected all things there without running into anyone. Oddly, that didn't last as long as I hoped. I could not have guessed all the changes to come. Where there was nothing but fields, forests and pastures, now stand many houses. It's not the same. But for a while it was just our farm and the Rexford's that mattered to me. Now that I think about it, Wynn and Winnie were perhaps a good story themselves but at the time, they were just good people. 

It was much like so many other summer days. I was on the road between our place and theirs. I had gone far enough to see their farm in full. It was then that I stopped and looked around. It was a sense of place that made me look at everything I had known so well as for the first time. I wasn't sure if some providence had placed me there at that time. Especially since I was a long way from when I actually knew the meaning of the word. But in my limited way, I knew I was living in someplace quite special and no matter what, I would always be thankful for what such an isolated place had to give. I spent a lot of time by myself in nature until girls and cars became interesting. From then on, was I spent thinking about how to put all three together. 

Oddly, my life didn't continue to have the rural context that I always thought it would. For the most of my life, I have lived mostly in the city of Denver. Please don't ask why; but special moments do happen there as well. I can't say this one was the most crucial, but it was quite definitive. My wife and I had gone on and off to various theaters almost since we moved there. It was after a point in my life when not much was making sense and I was still trying to understand my experience in Vietnam that we had tickets to see Annie at the Buell Theater downtown. They were last minute purchases, but we were able to get seats in the front that had just been made available.

For some reason, we were early and got to our seats as preparations were being completed. Before I was able to sit down, a surprising feeling came over me. I didn't expect life to be better for me and that was okay. But here I was. I could not have believed that I would ever get to see such a musical. To be at that point felt both amazing and undeserving. I knew too many who would never get to fulfill their hopes and dreams. But then a sense of "it's okay" came over me. I didn't have to understand or make sense of my life. I could enjoy a musical to the fullest knowing that I wasn't going down a dead end street, not yet at least. And besides, those who were lost, the only true heroes I knew, wouldn't want it any other way. 

I wish the special mystical moments meant that I could draw some insights or put together a few pearls of wisdom, but I can't. It took a while, but I finally was able to appreciate that I wasn't going to solve the paradoxes of life and living, not even only for myself. I know, a little slow on the uptake. But in it all, I am seen, I am helped and I have a place to be. Is that enough to believe that life should be better than it is? ...I really don't know. But someday I believe I will.